In the last few days, it's hit me on a whole new level that with everything that’s happened, the journey is all about starting over. I've understood that and yet, I haven't quite gotten it until now. Every day for the last three or four days I’ve sat down to write about it and found the words just don’t want to come. I don’t know if it’s because there’s still resistance or if it’s just so jumbled in my mind that linear thoughts, sentences, and paragraphs seem impossible. Probably some combination of both.
For about the last six or eight months I’ve been aware of the urge to get rid of stuff. All the while packing for the move and then unpacking, there has been this big unease, this nagging, anxiety tinged feeling that I couldn’t quite understand. I only knew that it had to do with stuff, with things I’ve collected over the years, things I’ve bought that made me “happy,” things with sentimental value, things I filled our life and home with along the way. Christmas decorations I’ll never ever use again, shoes I haven’t worn in years, dishes and silverware enough for a crowd, and on and on. All brought with me—twice now—in the unconscious hope or yearning of maintaining some sort of what was; the misguided idea that surrounding myself with this stuff would somehow make it all easier.
I didn’t understand the uneasiness. How could I possibly get rid of the things that have meant so much to me? But this week I was slammed hard, hit upside the head actually, with the reality of it: The actual question being how can I possibly start anew encumbered with all the things from the past. Wow. As they say, the light bulb moment. Stunning in its simplicity, and blatantly symbolic. Let go of all that ties me to a life that is, very simply over. Pull up the anchor that holds me in place. Shed it all, like a snake sheds its skin.
It both breaks my heart all over again and also, as the raw truth of it sinks in, enthuses me.
And smack in the middle of all this seeing, came these words in my Daily Quote email:
“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” ~Louis L’Amour