Friday, June 10, 2011
Ledges and Edges
For me, the edge is always about the heart. To let mine be open and exposed, to feel its torn edges and rawness, to not turn and run, to allow love (rather than fear) to flow through it and around it and in it. Always the moment to moment challenge. Lately, more and more, the moment by moment longing.
I made a huge realization this week. There's a way - sometimes subtle, sometimes hanging out like laundry flapping in the wind - that I walk this life feeling picked on. It was one of those OMG moments of such clear seeing. And understanding. And compassion. I feel picked on because I was picked on. I learned to expect it. I grew a skin that was both thickened by it and ultra sensitive to it.
I love these epiphanys as much as I hate them. In them is potential for regret and sadness, sometimes shame. But also - gratefully - opportunity, potential freedom, glimmers of grace, doorways to pass through, ledges toward the edges.
I've been saying it for years... that I want to learn to live life from the offensive rather than the defensive. The offensive I get now, being love, the defensive, fear. My first therapist used to tell me there are only two things, love and fear. My spiritual teacher, Isaac, would no doubt say they are opposite sides of the same coin. My friend Sharon says it's all consciousness... indeed, and they dance in me, sometimes a slow waltz, other times a chaotic frenzy, but here's the truth, they have both been my greatest teachers, both ripped my legs out from under me, and each has had me crawling on my knees toward that edge.
And one of these days, who knows, maybe the great leap will happen. Or, maybe it's actually happening, invisibly, one breath, one moment, one day, one seeing at a time.
I'm curious what it is that might take you to your edges...