Monday, July 11, 2011
This is my first attempt at photo collaging. There are things I like about it, things that aren't quite working for me, but one thing is for sure, I enjoyed the challenge.
I had a "scary" realization a couple of days before I did this. I was bored creatively. Bored with photos and photoshop. Just sitting and fiddling with a photo wasn't floating my boat anymore. This is how it can be with this double Gemini system. Easily bored. On to the next thing before "I" am ready to give it up. I don't want that to happen here, with something that feels so important to me. I realized that I need to challenge myself more. That I need to dive more deeply in to my creativity. Have more of a focus. Take more risks. The collage above was born of that, and whether I love it or not, I was very much engaged in the process. I need freshness, the stimuli of learning something brand new to invigorate me.
And once again, hmm, surprise, surprise, I see that as it is with art, so it is with life. I realize also that I am deep in a process around being bored with life. In the past few days, I realize that I am living life on hold; waiting... for my house to sell, for my depression to lift, for my boat to come in, so that I can get on with life. It's been brewing under the surface, just out of reach of consciousness until yesterday, when I was sitting with friends and it came bubbling up - out of their mouths, not mine - debby, stop waiting, start living the life you want to live...
Wow, big pause and holding of breath........... then huge exhale. The hitting of truth somewhere deep inside the belly of my being.
"Coincidentally," I had just put together this next collage for an Unraveling assignment. It's a photo representation of all of the "adventures" I've had since stepping outside the box six years ago when I went to swim with wild dolphins. Right here in beautiful color is the life that I dream of living... the life that was manifesting, the life that now feels on hold. Jeez, no wonder I am bored. NO WONDER I am depressed. Looking at the photos, I am reminded that these trips were all made on faith. On huge slabs of trust that they would come together, that the money would be there, that I would, in fact, be able to jump off the side of the boat and not drown in the warms waters of the Caribbean; that I could in fact fly alone all the way to Europe; could drive a car by myself through France; that I would not die of aloneness on Moloka'i. I realize that I am waiting for it to be easy... that having white-knuckled it through these early experiences, that I could now sit back and it would forevermore flow effortlessly. I am struck with the irony of it... how boring that could actually turn out to be...
I feel the quickening of my breath just thinking about it. Stepping outside the box I once again find myself cramped inside of. Going once more out on a limb. Making plans as if. Hmm... I like it. It's fresh, it's new, it's completely invigorating. Diving more deeply into life. Taking risks once again. Living life as the adventure that it actually is. Like the creative process in art, stepping (or falling) into the unknown, and letting it live itself into being one mysterious moment at a time.
I feel the tingling of possibility.